


Into The Light of a Dark Black Night

by SeaofRhye (orphan_account)



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Finn's Not Straight, Glee - Freeform, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Season 2 AU, eventual Klaine, kinn - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-19 23:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19982065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/SeaofRhye
Summary: Finn and Kurt fool around after singing Jay-Z during their Glee Club recruitment. The consequences are far-reaching.





	Into The Light of a Dark Black Night

“This doesn’t mean I’m gay,” Finn stammers as he and Kurt push the door of the boys’ room closed behind them. Finn’s hands are under Kurt’s NYC t-shirt and Kurt's knocking the cheap sunglasses off Finn’s face. 

“Whatever,” Kurt pants, digging his hands into Finn’s hips. “You were so hot out there. Did I mention that?” 

Finn blushes and they’re staggering backwards into an empty stall before Kurt digs his heels in.

“Whoa, whoa, no, we are not getting off in a public stall. I don’t even want to think about how many STIs are lying in wait.”

Finn obligingly lets himself be steered to the back wall where the paper towel dispenser is. 

“Better,” Kurt pronounces, and he’s reaching up to kiss Finn. Finn’s trying to lose himself in the moment, but he breaks away after two seconds.

“Dude, the door? It doesn’t lock.”

Kurt waves a dismissive hand. “I put an ‘Out of Order’ sign on the front before lunch. I didn’t watch Veronica Mars religiously for nothing.”

Finn laughs and goes back in for more kissing, reassured that nobody’s about to walk in on them.

“I liked that show,” he shares, really liking the smell of Kurt’s hair. The guy uses great products, and Finn won’t admit it but he’s used Kurt’s shampoo a couple of times, too. Still doesn’t make him gay.

“Mm. I liked Wallace,” Kurt replies, sucking Finn’s lower lip between his teeth. “Great hair, great smile, obviously deep in the closet and only dating girls because of insecurities.”

Finn laughs. “I don’t think he was--”

Kurt pulls back and glares at him. “We’ve got three minutes until the bell, Finn. You want to talk or make out?”

Finn shrugs his acquiescence, and make out they do.

****

Kurt’s having a very bad week, and he’s blaming it all on his new cycle-suppressant pills. Technically there’s no birth control pill for carriers, so he has to make do with a hormone supplement instead. And this new prescription is really making him miserable. He’s had a low-grade nausea for three days, he’s even bitchier than usual, and he spent a whole afternoon in the nurses’ office yesterday with a migraine. So when he snaps at Mr. Shue over something as trivial as singing Britney Spears, he has to admit that something’s got to change. And it’s not his uptight teacher.

“I hate these new pills,” he gripes to his dad when he visits him in the shop. “I feel horrible, and I want to go back to my old prescription.” 

Burt rolls a tire in need of patching into a corner and scrutinizes his son.

“You’ve been looking kinda peaky. You sure it’s not the flu?”

Kurt rolls his eyes and leans against his dad’s desk. He’s wiped after the day he’s had. Actually, he’s been exhausted all week.

“Dad, I’m not sick. I watch what I eat, I get eight hours a night, and I take multivitamins. I haven’t even had a cold in months.”

Burt still insists on feeling his forehead, just like Kurt’s six again, and squeezes his shoulder. “I’ll drive you home, and you’re going right to bed. If you’re still feeling lousy tomorrow, we’ll go to your doctor and see what she says. Okay?”

Kurt sighs, but appreciates his dad’s concern. “Okay.”

***

“No.” Kurt’s shaking his head, as if that’s going to erase the words he just heard. “No, that can’t be right. That’s not possible.”

“Kurt,” Dr. Steinen says gently. “You’re a carrier. You know it’s possible.”

Kurt covers his mouth with his hands, thinking back frantically to what could have made his last round of pills ineffective. Then he remembers.

“Oh, crap,” he whimpers. “Those stupid vitamins. They had all that vitamin C, and it said right in the form not to take too much or--”

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” Dr. Steinen interrupts him. “I get all kinds of patients who don’t realize that a regular ingredient can interfere with their prescription. You’re not the first.”

“So how far along is he?” Burt speaks up. Kurt can’t even look at him, he’s so afraid of what he’ll see on his face.

“About four weeks,” Dr. Steinen says, glancing at her chart. “It’s early, but the tests are pretty accurate.”

Finn. It’s definitely Finn’s. Not like it could be anyone else’s. 

Burt puts his hands on Kurt’s hunched shoulders, and Kurt looks up at him. His father looks pained, saddened and angry all at once.

“Dad, I’m sorry--” Kurt starts to say, but Burt interrupts him.

“Who did this to you?” he grinds out, and Kurt realizes that the anger isn’t directed at him at all. 

“What? Dad, nobody did anything to me. I just...I had a one-time thing with a guy.” He turns a panicked face to Dr. Steinen. “We didn’t even go all the way! Even if my pills didn’t work, it shouldn’t mean that I’m...” He chokes on the word and buries his face in Burt’s shoulder.

“Actually,” Dr. Steinen replies, sounding deeply sympathetic. “If more than two doses are compromised, and any ejaculation occurred from the other boy, there’s a chance of fertilization. I’m sorry, Kurt.”

Kurt wants to die. He feels like the worst kind of idiot for thinking he was being so responsible that a few hand-jobs with Finn “Early Arrival” Hudson wouldn’t even matter. Shit.

Burt holds him in a bear hug. “It’s okay, Kurt. Whatever you wanna do, we’ll figure it out. It’s okay.”

***  
The closest Kurt’s gotten to figuring out what he wants to do is buy a home pregnancy test, wait for the inevitable result, and fling it in Finn’s face when they’re getting ready for school the next day.

“You cretin!” he hisses. “You stupid, behemoth ass!”

“Hey!” Finn protests, backing up against the sink. “I didn’t know you were taking those vitamins! You told me you’d been on pills since you were twelve!”

He glances down at the EPT in the sink basin. “And if you already saw a doctor, why did you take a test?”

“For dramatic emphasis, Finn!” Kurt snaps, sounding eerily like Rachel. He huffs an angry breath. “Anyway, I’m just letting you know because I need somebody besides myself to blame.”

Finn furrows his brow. “Wait. Are you sure it’s mine? I mean, Quinn said the same thing.”

Kurt gives him his most withering glare. “I don’t go for Mohawk-sprouting Cobain wannabes, thank you. Anyway, Santana would kill me.”

“Yeah, well, Rachel’s gonna kill me,” Finn replies. “Unless there’s a way she doesn’t have to know?”

Kurt poses with a mock-thoughtful finger to his chin. “Gee, maybe we could tell everyone that I got slutty with some guy who doesn’t even go to McKinley and you’re just being a helpful kinda-stepbrother to me. How’s that?”

Finn blinks. “Uh...was that all sarcasm or is that really what you wanna do?”

“Well, it beats your idea!” Kurt snaps. “It’s nobody’s damn business anyway. I’ll be just another teen parent from Lima, Home of The Losers in the long run.”

“Dude, you’re not a loser,” Finn says awkwardly. “You’ve got more talent than practically anyone--”

Kurt holds up a stiff hand and backs away. “Not what I want to hear right now. I’ll see you later.”

He sweeps out the door.

***

There’s nothing quite like having a parent--your only parent--lying unconscious in a hospital bed to bring you some much-needed perspective, Kurt must admit. 

He would skip school entirely if Carol didn’t insist that he at least show up for half-days while Burt is sick. He bails after lunch every day and rushes to his dad’s side, always hoping that this will be the day his eyes open or he squeezes Kurt’s hand. For a confirmed atheist, he sure has a lot of hope. Or maybe it’s denial.

“Dad,” he says at one point, “you’ve got to come through this for me....for your grandkid. He’s going to be so lucky to have you.” He chokes up for the millionth time in four days, letting the tears fall onto the hospital-issue blanket. “I think I want to keep him. I don’t even know if it is a him, but I know I can do this if you’ll just pull through. Please...”

And by the time his dad finally opens his eyes, Kurt’s made up his mind. Burt Hummel is going to be the best grandfather ever.

***

Kurt’s counting the days until the promised energy boost of the second trimester, but for now he’s running himself ragged looking after his dad and giving Sam Evans the more-than-once over. He’s not about to rush into anything, especially with the pregnancy, but Sam is cute and easygoing and Kurt’s lonely. Making out with Finn in every germ-ridden corner of the school is now out of the question. He can’t go one day without Karofsky slamming him into a locker (thank Gabbana he’s learned to pivot and take most of the impact on his side or back, rather than his stomach.) He needs a distraction, even if it means flirting with some guy who’s not that into him. At least a duet will mean a chance to release some creative energy. And he really wants to wear one of his latest costumes before he gets too big.

Then Burt tells him that Finn’s confessed to being the baby-daddy. And before Kurt can fulfill his dearest wish of storming off to kill Finn, Burt calls him back.

“Kurt, leave him alone. He was just doing the right thing. He said he felt like he was lyin’ to me and his mom by not saying anything before now. I wish you’d told me sooner.”

Kurt gets defensive. “It was my decision, Dad. I thought you’d kill him if you found out.”

Burt snorts. “Believe me, if I had a healthy ticker, he’d be laid out flat right now. But gettin’ mad at Finn isn’t going to change anything. I told him I was disappointed and I wished you’d both been more careful, but you’ve made your choice and that means you two are gonna be parents. So it’s time you accepted that he’s stepping up.”

Kurt sinks down on the couch beside Burt, feeling drained. “He wasn’t my first choice for the father of my children. I don’t think he even knows which end of a baby to change.”

Burt chuckles. “Good thing there are classes for that.”

***

Now that Finn’s told their parents, Kurt finds that it’s a weight off his shoulders. That doesn’t mean he’s about to tell the Glee club yet. Anyway, there’s the whole Rocky Horror debacle to deal with, as well as Karofsky, who’s getting more and more violent in his shoving. Finn actually got into a fight with him over it one time, but even that wasn’t enough to make a difference. Kurt tries to spend as little time at his locker as possible and avoid Karofsky as much as he can. He takes to eating lunch outside, even though it’s cold, in order to keep from seeing him in the cafeteria.

So when he volunteers to infiltrate the den of the rival Warblers, it’s bliss to be away from the bully-ridden halls of McKinley for one afternoon. Nobody knows him here, and in his nondescript black coat and red tie, he can pass for a new student at a casual glance. 

And then he meets Blaine. And sees him sing with the Warblers. And "zing" go the strings of his heart. 

Whether it’s the lack of uniform or his unabashed gushing to Blaine and his buddies after their performance of “Teenage Dream,” he gives himself away as a McKinley student pretty fast. They’re really nice about it, though, and when he’s sitting alone with Blaine, his eyes, smile and overall manner are so freaking kind that it makes Kurt tear up right there in the fancy student lounge.

“Sorry,” he says, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I’m crazy hormonal.”

He didn’t mean to say it, but Blaine laughs like he told a joke. Then Kurt tells him about Karofsky and how fucking hard it is to be the only out kid in a place where nobody can help. What Blaine has to say about courage sticks with him the rest of the day, especially the part about refusing to be the victim.

He’s not just hurting you, you know, he reminds himself. He’s hurting your baby. Or he will, eventually, if you let this go on. Do you want to let that happen?

So it’s that thought, and Blaine’s little text reminder to him the next day, that spurs him to charge after Karofsky, righteous anger burning through him, and give him the speech he’s been tamping down inside for weeks. He wants the thug to hit him, just so he can have physical proof that this is not something anyone can ignore any longer.

But what he gets instead is so, so much worse than hit. It’s sloppy and hot and no no no gross get off me STOP! Kurt remains frozen, fingers against his mouth, fighting the urge to vomit long after Karofsky runs out of the room. 

It’s shocking that a kiss can feel so good and welcome from one person--yes, Finn springs to mind, but he’s the only case for comparison Kurt has--and so invasive and wrong from another. He recognizes a sort of cold, disbelieving anger underneath the revulsion because now he knows that Karofsky’s a fucking hypocrite, a coward who picks on the only out gay kid because he’s too afraid to be out himself.

He sits there until he reaches a decision. Things have gone on way too long. He’s going to tell Schue and the rest of the club, and Figgins, too, that he’s pregnant. At least that way, they’ll realize that it’s not just his life that’s being threatened. He owes his baby--son, he keeps thinking, even though it’s still too early to know for sure--that much.

***

“Oh, Kurt.” 

Rachel, predictably enough, is the first to react after the rest of them are sitting in stunned silence after his little announcement. He’s folded his arms unconsciously over his stomach, like he’s trying to protect the little guy from any forthcoming judgement. But Rachel leaves her seat to come over and hug him, and one by one the entire group does the same until he’s half-laughing, half-crying, surrounded by ten of his friends.

“Okay, okay! Don’t squish the baby!” Kurt jokes, and they break apart laughing. 

“So, when is the little diva due?” Mercedes asks. 

“Is it a boy, girl, or seahorse?” Brittany wants to know. 

“You can borrow my old pregnancy clothes if you want,” Quinn offers. “I bet some of my shirts would look good on you.”

“Are you still going to be here next year?” Mike wants to know.

Kurt laughs and holds up his hands. “Wait, wait! First off, I’m about eleven weeks. Second, I don’t know what it is yet, but I feel like it’s a boy.” “Awwws” ensue and he waits for them to die down before continuing. “Also, I am definitely planning to stay in school after he gets here.” 

“You have to name him after me!” Rachel squeals, and clarifies from the odd looks, “Berry, I mean. You could just spell it ‘B-a-r-r-y.’”

“Dude, like Manilow?” Puck scoffs. “Lame. Sid’s a good name.”

“Yeah, tell that to Nancy,” Santana retorts, and the bell rings before the arguing can gain steam. Kurt leaves the room with Rachel’s arm slung through his, smiling and feeling so grateful to have a whole bunch of people who support him at a time like this.

“Seriously, Kurt,” Artie says as he coasts up to them, “we’re happy for you. And Karofsky’s not gonna be a problem anymore. Your boys are all over it.”

Kurt laughs as Artie wheels away. “I have boys plural now? I’m such a whore.”

***

“This is so cool,” Finn whispers when Dr. Steinen squirts gel onto Kurt’s stomach. “Just don’t be scared if it looks kind of like an alien, cause that’s how it’s supposed to look--”

“Finn,” Kurt interrupts. “I already know what to expect, okay? I doubt I’d confuse my own baby with an alien.” All the same, he’s a little nervous.

“Here we go,” Dr. Steinen says, pressing the ultrasound wand down on Kurt’s belly. He catches his breath when he sees little baby whatever-it-is floating inside him, all nice and warm and safe. It looks so much more human than two weeks ago. 

“Hey, baby,” Kurt whispers, wanting to touch the screen even though he knows that’s not where the baby really is. “You’re beautiful.”

Dr. Steinen, however, is frowning and checking the machine. Kurt hears a sudden intake of breath and his eyes snap to her face.

“What?” he asks, his heart rate spiking because that is not a good expression. “What’s wrong?”

Dr. Steinen bows her head for a moment before turning to them slowly. “Kurt, Finn, I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.”

Long, awful seconds go by in which nobody speaks.

“What....how can you tell?” Finn sputters. “Maybe the machine’s broken!”

“It’s not broken,” Dr. Steinen replies. “Sometimes things like this happen, and we don’t know why.”

Kurt can’t speak, or think, or move. He looks back at the screen, staring at the baby who, he’s being told, is no longer alive. 

He can’t process this. He vaguely registers Finn squeezing his hand and telling him to look away, and Dr. Steinen goes to turn off the machine but Kurt tells her not to, so she leaves it on as she goes to call his dad and all he can do is stare at the tiny shadowy thing that will never get any bigger or move around or be born, until his dad comes to take them home.

***

The next few days are a blur. Kurt has to go back for a D/C--that’s what they do when a miscarried baby hasn’t been expelled “naturally,” Dr. Steinen tells him--and even though he’s sedated, he has dreams of crying babies and giving birth to something small and dead. 

He sleeps for eighteen hours when he gets home, and by the time he’s back in the waking world, Burt’s brought him enough food for three people and says they told the school he was sick. 

“Finn didn’t wanna tell anybody until you were ready,” Burt explains as Kurt sips at some vegetable soup. He’s really not hungry, and the cramps are still bothering him. He nods, silent, and pushes the tray away.

“You sure that’s all you want?” Burt urges. Kurt curls up on his side and buries his face in his pillows. After a minute, he feels his dad start rubbing his back.

“I thought I’d be doin’ this for you when you had the kid,” he says quietly. “I had this image of you doing the breathing, holding Finn’s hand, maybe cussing him out when it got really bad.” His voice breaks. “God, Kurt, I am so sorry.”

Hearing his dad lose it triggers the same response in Kurt, and soon he’s sobbing into his pillow. He hasn’t cried this hard since the day of his mom’s funeral, and it feels like he’ll never be able to stop.

Finally, though, the sobs die down to tears, and he feels like speaking at last.

“I....I had a name picked out,” he says, his throat thick with phlegm. He clears it. “Andrew.”

Burt clears his own throat and sniffs. “That’s a good name. Carol and I were talking about having a little service for him, if you want to. It could just be us four, in the backyard, saying a few words.”

Kurt scoffs. “It’s not like my hamster died.”

“I know,” Burt says patiently. “But it might help. Think about it, okay? And let me know if you get hungry or need anything.”

Kurt nods, grateful when Burt leaves. He doesn’t want to do any more thinking for a while.

***

Kurt reconsiders his decision to take a bath when he runs into Finn brushing his teeth in the upstairs bathroom. He freezes, foam dripping from his chin, when he sees Kurt.

“Um,” Finn says, then spits out the foam and rinses his mouth. “Kurt, hey. How’re you--”

“I wanted to take a bath,” Kurt says crisply. “Are you done in here?”

Finn nods, standing back as Kurt puts his towel down on the toilet and turns on the water to fill the tub. He counts wall tiles rather than look at Finn, who isn’t leaving.

“Kurt.”

Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three...

“Kurt, man, you’ve gotta talk to me sometime. Please.”

Kurt pulls his lips tight and shakes his head.

Finn sounds desperate. “He was my kid, too, Kurt. This is worse than what happened with Beth. I loved her and she wasn’t even mine, and he was and now he’s gone. I feel like...like I was punished. Like somebody didn’t want us to have him. And I wish we’d never gone to that stupid appointment, even though I know it wouldn’t have changed anything. I wish you could let me in, tell me how you feel. Please?”

A million horrible things to say to Finn rush through Kurt’s mind, each as vicious and unfair as the next. He could rail at Finn for deciding to “experiment” with him in the first place. He could blame him for the miscarriage altogether. But when he turns around to look directly at Finn, every urge to blame and insult him dies.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kurt says quietly. That’s really all he’s got right now.

Finn’s shoulders relax. “Thanks.”

Kurt turns off the water and starts to shrug out of his robe, and Finn moves toward the door.

“Wait.”

Finn stops, his hand on the door handle. “What? Do you need help or something?”

“No,” Kurt responds, looking him in the eye. “I just want to know, what do we do now? Do you want to go back to being on the down-low, or are we just going to be brothers? Because I can’t go through this again. I won’t.”

Finn lowers his head. “I get it. And I’m sorry. I really screwed everything up.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “I had a little to do with it. Don’t flatter yourself.”

Finn glances up at him. “I like you, dude. Like, a little more than I should, probably. I’m still kind of confused about....” He shrugs. “About what exactly I am.”

Kurt folds his arms. “I can’t figure that out for you. And I’m not a free sample of How to Be Gay, either.”

Finn nods slowly. “I know.”

There’s a pause, and Kurt sighs. “Dad wants us to have a service for...” he swallows hard, “Andrew. What do you think?”

Finn looks confused, and then he gets it. “Oh. Yeah, I think that’d be nice. Well, not nice, but--”

Kurt holds up a hand. “Fine. I’ll RSVP yes. In the meantime....” he gestures to the bathtub, and Finn nods, scooting out the door again.

***  
The service is held in the local park, at Kurt’s request. He wants to imagine his son somewhere he could’ve been happy.

They don’t have any remains. All Kurt has is a wooden block that he’s painted Andrew’s name and the year on, and they get permission to bury it by the small trees beyond the swings. 

For once in his life, Kurt can’t find it in himself to sing. There’s no song that can go deep enough to express what he’s feeling. He wonders if he’ll ever feel like singing again.

***

“Wow,” Blaine says, sitting back in his chair and blinking at Kurt. “Just....wow.”

Kurt toys with his coffee cup nervously. “I know it’s a big confession, seeing as this is only our first official date, but I really wanted to get that off my chest. Are you freaked out?”

“No!” Blaine replies emphatically, reaching across the table to touch Kurt’s hand. “No, Kurt, I’m not freaked out. I’m just surprised because I had no idea when I met you. I mean, bullying is bad enough, but having a baby on top of that? I would never have been able to deal the way you did.”

Kurt smiles dryly. “I would hardly call crying at the drop of a hat and spilling my guts to a handsome stranger ‘dealing.’ I was fraying at the edges for two months. Meeting you was kind of the highlight of all that.”

Blaine’s smile is soft. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

Kurt shrugs. “Not much more to tell. Except that the whole time I was singing ‘Blackbird,’ I kept thinking about May 20th.”

“What’s May 20th?”

Kurt's fingers graze his stomach. “It would’ve been Andrew’s birthday.”

For a minute, neither of them says anything, and Kurt’s glad that Blaine is one of those people who knows when not to offer condolences. He’s gotten enough of those from Ms. Pillsbury, Schue, Rachel, Quinn....He just needs someone who isn’t looking at him with pity all the time.

Blaine squeezes Kurt’s hand gently.

“If you ever want to talk about him...I’ll listen. Okay?”

Kurt can’t speak, and for the second time, he’s tearing up in front of Blaine.

“Thanks,” he chokes out. “That means so much.”

Blaine is still smiling. Kurt can guess that he’ll have more questions eventually. For now, he’s thanking every karmic force in the universe for letting him cross paths with this boy, someone who is so compassionate and simply good. 

“So,” he says, “Tell me something about yourself.”

End


End file.
